SAUSAGE LIFE

READER: I really can't believe this Brexit thing is still dragging on like this. I mean the people spoke and they voted to isolate Britain from the frogs, cloggies and Krauts, so why can't all the Remoaning Remainiacs should just accept defeat and shut up so we can go back to 1959 where it's all warm and comfy?

MYSELF: Mmmm...

READER: We need discipline, cruelty and harsh punishment, whish is what made Britain Great. That Cruella Braverman’s got the right idea.

MYSELF: She certainly seems to have the common touch.

READER: Exactly. If you ask me, it’s about time everyone who disagrees with her or Nigel Farage was sent to Rwanda.

MYSELF: Sorry?

READER: Look, if we had continued to allow ourselves to be dictated to by a bunch of unelected foreign bureaucrats sitting in judgement in some distant far-off land somewhere overseas…

MYSELF: You mean Brussels.

READER: Wherever…. we’d all be eating straight bananas, reeking of garlic, and throwing our own dead fish back into the channel instead of stopping the boats by putting all the illegals into a boat. Nigel knows all about this.

MYSELF: Speaking of dead fish, wasn't Mr. Farage on the European Parliament Fisheries Committee when we were in the EU?

READER: Yes, he was, which is why he is so fish-knowledgeable.

MYSELF: But out of a total of 42 meetings of the Fisheries committee, he only turned up for one.

READER: I expect that was probably the really important one. Nigel is a very busy man you know.

MYSELF: Exactly. I mean how is one supposed to find the time to claim one's expenses? And let’s face it, beer doesn't drink itself.

READER: Eureka. At last we're singing from the same hymn book.

TREE MENACE

Ace newshound Bebé Mucau, our new investigative journalist recently headhunted from The Cockmarlin Bugle, has already uncovered a scandal, one which Tory councillor Onya Byche dubbed “an accident waiting for someone to happen to”. The story involves a 300-year-old oak tree in Upper Dicker's High Street, which is still standing despite being described by Upper Dicker resident 43-year-old mother of five Lulu Nagasaki as a 'cat magnet'

“Once an unsuspecting cat does get up there,” she told us, “the likelihood is that the poor animal will be unable to get down again and inevitably the fire brigade will have to be called”.

Pointing out that The Upper Dicker Fire & Rescue Service possesses only one turntable ladder, she added, “I wouldn’t want to be the unfortunate police officer who had to break the news to someone that a family member had perished leaping from the fourteenth floor of a burning building, simply because a cat was stuck up a tree”. A petition to have the tree humanely destroyed was signed by over 3,000 residents on TikTok, and is expected to attract protests from all over the world. Armed traffic wardens have been put on special alert.

POETRY NOW

Jesus

by Jeremy Wuss

I think of Jesus In my shoe
And in my velvet trousers too

He cleaneth up his doggy-doo
And maketh all the cows go moo

From hurricane to balmy breezes

Chesty coughs to breathless wheezes

Even in the strongest cheeses
Hold your nose and you’ll find Jesus

Men in frocks

With chains and locks
Conceal Him in a little box

He's tastier than Belgian chocs
Bless His Holy Cotton Socks

CACHE IN THE ATTIC

During what Upper Dicker’s famous swinging vicar the Reverend Len Startling described as “a normal straightforward exorcism” on Bill Wigwam (39), a possessed window cleaner of Cockmarlin, a section of the ceiling in St. Bodolph's, an abandoned Lutherian chapel, slid away to reveal a secret loft.

“It was a bit like Rosemary’s Baby meets Raiders of the Lost Ark,” the Reverend confessed.

“Then, shortly after he turned green, Bill's head started revolving and he began swearing like a merchant seaman. That's when I decided to get him a cab home and investigate further.”

"By standing on the font", he continued, " I somehow managed to haul myself into the secret loft, which was littered with bizarre fetish items, voodoo dolls and large trunks full of ceremonial garb, which I took at first to be Masonic gowns or pantomime horse costumes. Hidden in the concealed pockets of one of them, I discovered a mysterious ritualistic scroll decorated with magical symbols and several forged prescriptions for morphine and opium".

“Right away I knew I’d found a secret stash belonging to infamous Beast of Hastings Alestair Crowley.” said the vicar, “Then, bingo! There, in a corner, buried amongst the mummified cat remains, heretical texts and a subscription to Punch magazine, I unearthed a box containing the artwork for the cover of a recording Mr. Crowley had made shortly before his death in 1947. That’s when I started to get excited.”

In the false bottom of the box, he discovered a cache of audio tapes, which he took to a friend’s recording studio. Disappointingly, most of the reels revealed nothing but manic ritualistic chanting and unintelligible babbling in tongues…except for one. Here, in ‘breathtaking mono’, was the master recording for Alestair Crowley’s Greatest Hits the black magician’s one and only bid for popular musical stardom. (I should add here that the immodest title is slightly misleading, since Mr. Crowley never actually had any hits, but the founder of The Hermetic Order of The Golden Dawn - later known as The George Formby Satanic Appreciation Society - rarely allowed mere facts to obstruct his quest for self-promotion).

Reverend Startling has had the tapes digitally remastered for general release on CD and download, and summed up the unique collection in his sleeve-notes: “This album is a must-have for all collectors of audio-satanism. Alestair’s sweet, well-modulated contralto belies his popular image as a blasphemous drug-addled charlatan. Here, on what turns out to be both his debut and farewell album, the fraudulent old goat croons his way competently through some devilish arrangements of popular standards in his own uniquely bestial way.

The CD of this previously unreleased masterpiece will shortly be on sale in the crypt of The Church of the Undignified Martyr, Upper Dicker, or as a digital download from www.crackpotrecords.com

After costs are deducted, all proceeds go to Guard Dogs for the Rich.

Sausage Life!

EPISODE 1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE 2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

EPISODE 4:
Economics

EPISODE 5:
Misheard Lyrics

Click image to connect. Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH