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Bird Guano’s

SAUSAGE LIFE

The column which leaps before it looks

READER: It’s Superbowl week, so I suppose you’re going to take your usual cynical swing at the great game…?

MYSELF: Superbowl week where big money tries to persuade the British public to like American “football”? Yes, I am. As a matter of fact, I’ve put together this little glossary entitled…

THE STUPIDEST GAME IN THE WORLD

I’m referring of course to the annual festival of all things idiotic in American corporate-sponsored sport which will soon be causing our growing population of male Yankophiles - the sort who like to say elevator and sidewalk and drink beer that tastes like polar bear’s piss – to wet their Calvins in anticipation. If you’ve never seen it, this is how the ridiculous made-for-TV spectacle unfolds:

After several hours of overblown ‘build up’ (ie: endless clips of thick meatheads crashing into each other, incomprehensible statistics and slobbering fast food commercials for flag-waving fatties), a reverent, patriotic silence falls as the USA national anthem is murdered by a talentless billionaire.

Next, to tumultuous applause, two teams of overpaid jocks (usually named after one of the Native American nations decimated by European “settlers”), jog on to the field wearing huge crash helmets, shoulder pads and tights stuffed with pillows and at the umpire’s signal begin colliding with each other.

Sometimes one of the players grabs the “ball” (which is really a sort of pointed egg), and runs off with it but is soon caught and crushed under pile of men from the opposing team- this is the signal for the umpire to blow his whistle, ushering in a long, expensive commercial break featuring fast food, “beer” or imported cars as the two teams file out for some well-earned rest.

When play resumes, both teams will have completely changed personnel, depending on whether they are O fence or D fence. Two actors, one black, one white, will pretend to be pundits who understand what is going on and quote more obtuse statistics to the baffled TV audience.

That’s all you need to know, since the whole eye-popping charade is essentially a marathon junkfood-sponsored pantomime without the drag. If you must watch, make sure you have nothing else to do for at least six hours.

READER: Would you like to come to my Superbowl party?

MYSELF: I would be delighted, were it not for a very important appointment I have with a certain man about a certain dog on that very day.

READER: Man? Dog? What sort of appointment?

MYSELF: I’ve given away far too much already.

READER: I’ll take that as a no then.

EVENTS STOP PRESS

Witheringden Village Hall

Dungeons and Drag night with Hilary Pillock and Dan Daring. Frocks provided. Bring your own thumbscrew.

SUPERSTITIOUS?

Do you regard organised religion as nothing more than an insurmountable crock of superstitious merde, and yet are unable to cope with the stressful concept of random events or coincidence?

Have you thought of embracing Astrology?

READER: Is this an ad?

MYSELF: Yes, its for my new horoscope service, which I like to call All the Blandness of Spiritual Certainty Without the Messy Unpredictable Consequences of Rational Thought

READER: That’s a bit long isn’t it?

MYSELF: Ok, how about Gobshite for the Gullible?

READER: That’s more like it, bring it on.

YOUR FUTURE IN THE STARS

A personal horoscope curated by The Rev Ho Dim Sung, astrologer to His Spiritual Eminence The Mashapatata of Lumpigravi

Capricorn (22 December-20 January) Beware. A rare egg moon is entering its Diptherian phase, causing a massive collision with your diving sign of Porcupine. Check pyjamas for scorpions on the 12^th.

Aquarius (21 January-19 February) An untidy bicycle shed will distract you from the forthcoming meteoric cusp. A cold call from a Jehovah’s Witness will interrupt an important meeting sometime in February.

Pisces (20 February-20 March) Typical Pisces tendencies include a slight limp, the inability to speak French and fear of eggs. Should the police call, just come clean as it may reduce your sentence even if you didn’t do it.

Aries (21 March-20 April) Mid-month, Gemini and Mars will fall out after an argument about golf during the lunar eclipse. Low pressure in parts of Northern Ireland will cause cloud to thicken in the south-west, bringing spells of rain, sleet and soft furnishings in Pluto’s equinox.

Taurus (21 April-21 May) Sagittarius is your trouser sign and brings news of a big win on the horses. Pisces is wedged tightly in Virgo’s chimney, although with Tiger Penis on the ascendant, it is inadvisable to cancel tightrope walking lessons.

Gemini (22 May-21 June) Complications arise when an invitation to a bestiality party puts you in a difficult position. Wear red if you are a boy, green if you are a girl or a muted shade of caramel if you are not sure. Tempers fray during a Scandinavian fish supper on the 4th.

Cancer (22 June 23 July) With retrograde Porcupine still in its 11^th house, a neighbour springs an unpleasant surprise. Call the hotel and deny everything.

Leo (24 July-23 August) For Leos, bad memories of a recent gluten-free cruise in the Baltic resurface. A window cleaner calls bearing an urgent message from an aunt in Turin.

Virgo (24 August-23 September) With Mercury ablaze, Virgos must be vigilant and prepared to abandon ship if necessary. Drive on the right during St Valentine’s day, but not blindfolded.

Libra (24 September-23 October) An unexpected windfall from a hot tip on the greyhounds leads to a mishap during an alcohol and nitrous oxide party. Man up and apologise if you know what’s good for you.

Scorpio (24 October-23 November) Good news for Scorpios! A Russian billionaire mistakes you for a distant relative and sends you money and a first-class train ticket to Darlington. When the moon begins waxing avoid anything beginning with F or V. Or L.

Saggitarius (24 November-21 December) With Aries and Capricorn in transit, an ill-planned grocery purchase causes mayhem on 15^th. A fireman mistakes you for a rogue Catharine wheel, but a providential hose failure avoids a soaking.

Sausage Life!

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door's garden.

Photo credit: Alice's Dad (circa 2000)

https://open.spotify.com/album/2fHlSX6Dm7hEm9TUYkGUAN...

CLICK IMAGE TO WATCH THE VIDEO "CREEPY DUDES" ON YOUTUBE

EPISODE1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

EPISODE 4:
Economics

EPISODE 5:
Misheard Lyrics

EPISODE 6:
MILK

Click image to connect. Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH