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Bird Guano's
SAUSAGE LIFE
The column which says "It isn't the coffee that carries you offy, it's the caffeine they carries you affeine"

READER: I’m so enjoying Cheltenham Festival! The thrill of the race, the heady scent of dung, fear and cordite! The sport of Kings!

MYSELF: Excuse me? Wasn’t Cheltenham Festival’s refusal to cancel its Betting Bonanza in 2020 one of the first super-spreaders of Covid 19? Racing is not the sport of Kings, it is a corrupt gambling game designed by an unscrupulous, under-regulated industry to suck the money out of your wallet faster than you can say Ladies Day. Nor is it a ‘delightful run out' for the poor horses, who hate having their arses whipped by blouse-wearing vertically challenged boy-men even more than I do.

READER: Here we go. Why are you such a cynic when it comes to horse-racing? I have it on the highest authority that the noble beasts like nothing better than galloping around leaping over huge fences with a baying mob shouting into their sensitive ears.

MYSELF: The horses? Or the ladies?

READER: I see you have decided to add casual misogyny to your fierce intolerance of the simple pleasures of the common people. What’s wrong with the occasional flutter anyway? Responsible gambling is just a bit of harmless fun for the masses.

MYSELF: Responsible Gambling? I haven't heard anything that funny since the surgeon told me they had accidentally amputated my penis instead of removing the benign cyst on my elbow.

HORSE SCENTS

Captain Mark Phillips, Olympic equestrian and former husband of Princess Anne, suffered 3rd degree burns to his jodhpurs at the Cheltenham Festival earlier this week, when he recklessly lit a cigar next to his horse Armadillo Trumpet, just as it was passing wind. The horse shot off like a rocket, straight through a gap in the hedge and won the Boodles Handicap Hurdle by eight lengths even though it had not been entered. Armadillo Trumpet was later shot by stewards for racing whilst unregistered, having already tested positive for performance-enhancing methane gas.

SCIENCE MARCHES ON

Although out of the limelight recently, Professor Gordon Thinktank has been busy adding to his prolific list of inventions. Aside from announcing plans for a water speed record attempt by Greenbird, his ecologically sound solar-powered hydroplane made entirely from avocado, he has also applied for the following patents: heat resistant flock wallpaper for the inside of tandoori ovens, a doorbell which sounds like stampeding dinosaurs for deterring Jehovah's Witnesses, squeaky food for the blind and electric pyjamas which free up duvets so that they can be used for lagging boilers.

READERS WRITE

The Sausage mailbag was fatter than ex-PM Boris ‘Bunter’ Johnson this week, and almost as full of drivel. At the editor's insistence, I have reluctantly decided to publish these examples:

Dear sir,
I don't know what all the fuss is about this toxic waste business. Why on earth don't they just flush it all down the lavatory? Since I was made redundant from my job as a sewer inspector after having my right leg bitten off by a giant blue alligator, I have had lots of ideas like this one.

Reuben Cockwind,
c/o The Two King's Heads, Dungeoness.

Sirs,
I note with alarm that, since its inception, there has not been one single reference to bed-wetting in your illustrious column. Is this an editorial decision, or are we to see Nocturnal Enuresis go the same way as cannibalism, incest and bear-baiting, yet another victim of political correctness gone mad? I intend to take out a subscription to your publication immediately, just so that I can cancel it.

Yours etc.,
Alabaster Tipperary,
Whippersnapper, E.Sussex

POP FLOP

Hastings & St Leonards Warriors FC’s first season in the Hobson's Denture Fixative League got off to a poor start, with the first sixteen games all ending in 8-0 defeats. Supporters attending last Saturday's home game against Herstmonceux Cannibals were hoping that under millionaire pop star Sting's new ownership, their fortunes might improve.
Manager Giovani Fuctivano was less enthusiastic; "Sure the fans love-a the Sting, but in-a the foot-a-ball game we must-a make-a the goals. This Tantric Football, she is a no work-a for me. We play for hours and a-no score".
After the Sicilian supremo's pessimism was further underlined by a seventeenth consecutive 8-0 thrashing, one fan commented, "I love Sting, especially his work with The Police, but quite frankly as a club owner he is making us all as sick as parrots. Walking On The Moon is all very well, but obviously no substitute for being over it." The match was not without controversy, as Warriors’ fearsome central defender Nobby Balaclava was once again implicated in a controversial off-the-ball incident when Cannibal's goalkeeper, Reg Rugg, robbed him at knifepoint in front of furious home supporters in the final minute of injury time.

DICTIONARY CORNER

Phlegmatic (n) - loft for storing used handkerchiefs

Salmonellafitzgerald (n) - toxic jazz singer

Hamnesia (n) - forgetting you are Jewish

GAELIC FOR BEGINNERS

Here are three handy phrases for first-time visitors to the Emerald Isle. They will serve you well, being versatile enough for any social situation involving Guinness.

Tabhair dom saucer fual gabhar

Fetch me a saucer of goat's urine

An féidir liom do pharaisiút a fháil ar iasacht?

May I borrow your parachute?

Fleggah ma hoyle ma hoolie hoyler!

There will be a great rejoicing among the gentle wee folk of Derry whose potatoes are sweet, uniform, and possess a rare texture, the like of which is long since gone and very likely will never be seen again.

Saol na ispíní! (Sausage Life!)

Rarely-seen 2Os German Expressionist film about a strange spanner-worshipping cult

EPISODE1:
Travel & transportation

EPISODE2:
Body Parts

EPISODE 3:
Telephones

EPISODE 4:
Economics

EPISODE 5:
Misheard Lyrics

EPISODE 6:
MILK

Click image to connect. Alice's Crazy Moon is an offbeat monthly podcast hosted by Alice Platt (BBC, Soho Radio) with the help of roaming reporter Bird Guano a.k.a Colin Gibson (Comic Strip Presents, Sausage Life). Each episode centres around a different topic chosen by YOU the listener! The show is eclectic mix of music, facts about the artists and songs, surrealistic sponsors, Bird Guano's phone-in and of course, Poetry Corner featuring everyones favourite poet, Big Pillow!

NB: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A PAID SUBSCRIPTION TO SPOTIFY, THE SONGS WILL BE OF RESTRICTED LENGTH

ATTENZIONE!

‘Watching Paint Die’ EP by Girl Bites Dog is out now and available wherever you rip off your music.

Made entirely without the assistance of AI, each listen is guaranteed to eliminate hair loss, cure gluten intolerance and stop your cat from pissing in next door's garden.

Photo credit: Alice's Dad (circa 2000)

https://open.spotify.com/album/2fHlSX6Dm7hEm9TUYkGUAN...